who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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