Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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