I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
