He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
