I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Randomize
