hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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