You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
