Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My vagina is officially offended.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
