i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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