I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
