Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
