***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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