im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
