Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
