Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
my poor anus
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
