i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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