Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
