What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
