If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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