im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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