god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
