He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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