Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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