do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
