then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
