I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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