he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
