Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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