I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
