i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
