I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
