And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
