Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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