You're my little dorito
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
