I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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