The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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