You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
