I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm just crazy horny about you
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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