My brain says no but my pants say off.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
