you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
