In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
