If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I wish you could order shots online.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
