I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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