Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
