I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
