This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
as a side note pls kill me
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
