i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
