You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
