I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
