Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
