Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
