Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
